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AN INTERVIEW WITH GENERAL FUNKESHOE

JULY 18, 2008
Special for THE NEW TIMES HOLLER!
© Amir Bey, 2007
An undated photo of General Funkeshoe, wearing his URBAN GUERILLA WARE. Judging from the subway tokens on his HYDRANT HELMET and his NEW YORK CITY SURVIVAL JACKET, this was taken 1988-93; photo by STEVE MAYO
The Cover for "CALVARY WITHOUT A HORSE, MEMOIRS OF GENERAL FUNKESHOE VOL. I"
Cover for "GENERAL FUNKESHOE, DENYING HE IS UPWARDLY MOBILE REFUSES TO RESIGN", MEMOIRS OF GENERAL FUNKESHOE, VOL. II"
Cover for "THE QUEEN'S BALL AT THE SECOND BAPTIST CHURCH, MEMOIRS OF GENERAL FUNKESHOE, VOL. III"
GENERAL FUNKESHOE, IN AN EARLIER INTERVIEW FOR THE NEW TIMES HOLLER!
HOLLER!: Thanks for coming down to THE NEW TIMES HOLLER! for this interview. How does the picture in Iraq look these days?

FUNKESHOE: Messed up as usual. The question is: how stupid and greedy is the government? How far will they go to in those two directions? Them people donít know what theyís doiní. To tell you the truth, itís hard to say why they went in there in the first place. This government truly works in mysterious ways. I mean, they half heartedly opened up a difficult front in Afghanistan; then before that work was done, they jumped into a deeper toilet in Iraq. It may be beyond stupidity and greed; what it is Iím at a loss to understand.

HOLLER!: Well, supposedly the two missions were related?

FUNKESHOE: How? Iraq was just a bad move. They ainít even out of office yet and peoples is writing negative histories on them. Thatís why I quit them fools long ago. Their SNAFU on the World Trade Center is a good example of whatís wrong; they didnít see it coming.

HOLLER!: You donít think the World Trade Center tragedy was a government conspiracy ?

FUNKESHOE: Heck no! A lot of times truth is simpler than fiction. Iíve bivouacked in a quite a few places since then, and the onliest people who thinks the World Trade Center thang was a conspiracy are Americans. Everybody outside of here knows the truth: it was a mugging, and the U.S. was caught with its drawers down and got its two front teeth knocked out. See, itís hard for Americans to understand what happened, to come to terms with it, so they turn to reasons that fit their philosophies. Even some of the most anti-government folks is shell-shocked and lookiní away from a cold reality: this countryís slowly going down and 911 happened because of the decay.

HOLLER!: Maybe Americans are more familiar with the lengths to which the government might go to achieve its ends than people from other countries?

FUNKESHOE: Maybe it just might be the difference between how people see themselves. While most folks outside of this country donít think 911 was a wonderful thing and donít support terrorism, they know itís quite possible for a determined people to put something like that together, even easier for close-knit cells and well-trained operatives to pull that off than gigantic monsters like Russia or China to try that and wind up going to war with the U.S. Al Qaeda did it, and itís a source of pride for some people whoíve been wronged for so long. They ainít saying, the evil U.S. rigged 911; they sayiní: ďNaw, we did it!!Ē So, people here like to think about conspiracies, but donít see that maybe thatís only how they, as Americans, see it.

HOLLER!: There have been theories that suggest a building couldnít collapse as the towers did unless they were rigged with explosives similar in methods to those used to demolish old buildings without damaging the surrounding area. If youíll recall, the towers collapsed against themselves instead of outwardly.

FUNKESHOE: Anythingís possible, but it just donít add up. First, the kind of engineering that would take and the amount of people that would have been involved, somebody woulda dropped a dime -or hit the send button- on the operation. Look it how a small deal like Watergate got busted. Second, why do both towers? If you got that much control, one was enough. And think of the payoff that had to be made to the owners of them towers! My yardstick for measuring this governmentís operations is how stupid and how greedy. They ainít that stupid, theyíd been satisfied with just one tower gone, and for the greed quotient, thatís too much money for them to lose when they had cheaper ways to go. And, why cause that amount of destruction to the major US city when a more efficient way was doable?
Remember, Hitler justified the invasion of Poland by putting prisoners in German uniforms, shot them up, showed the world the ďevidenceĒ and then attacked. How much did that cost?
Itís known that the Guided Missile Destroyer Cole was an Al Qaeda hit. They could have put some sailors on an old ship or two, blasted it in US waters, maybe in the middle of some major port, and sunk Ďem. They only would have wasted some personnel -they do that all the time- and thereís your invasion because of a threat to the country.

HOLLER!: But how was it possible that a small group of terrorist cells could have operated like they did without being discovered? It may be that the government knew what they were up to and allowed for it to happen.

FUNKESHOE: Thatís where my entomology squad comes in; theyíve applied their bug theories to this thang: parasitic symbiosis. Thereís the host Ėthe U.S., and the parasites Ėthe terrorist cells. For example, with bees and beetles, the guard bees are tricked by beetles copying the scent of the hive, fooling the guards and then entering. They feast on the honey, lay their eggs in the beesí wax chambers, and split before the fake scent wears off.
With the terrorists, their fake scent was credit cards and cash. Nobody said nothiní, long as they was paid. No one at the flight school questioned -they noticed- why they only wanted to learn how to take off, but not land; they turned their heads to the terroristsí dissiní America while they were drinking at a bar, and their rude behavior towards female and other fellow students were ignored. Imagine if they didnít pay their bills! Why, flight school woulda been over, they woulda been homeless, and no drinks at the bar. Hey, they wouldnít a passed through customs without the right amount of bread.

HOLLER!: That simple?

FUNKESHOE: The US is a big, visible host whose ways are well known. Itís a huge, clumsy animal waiting to be feasted on. Understand, in situations like that, parasites are usually unseen by the host, they make quick adjustments to changes in their hostís defenses, and they reproduce easily. Letís not forget that U.S. intelligence had few Arabic speakers and even a smaller idea about Islamic and Arab culture. It all goes back to how greedy, how stupid.
They werenít that stupid and theyís too greedy to destroy the towers, but they were stupid about the threat that existed, and they was greedy enough to try to get over on the tragedy. They some sick, dangerous folks and Iím glad I left the academy when I did.

HOLLER!: General, to some it may sound as if you are in denial about the possibility of 911 being a government conspiracy, or that there may be a cover-up of some kind. For instance, your theories are more focused on the World Trade Center, when questions about the Pentagon attack have been raised.

FUNKESHOE: Or, it may be that folks who believe in a conspiracy, who for the most part are Americans, are overlooking fatal flaws in this society that made 911 possible. Those flaws may lead to more 911s if we ain't careful. Who's to say that the economic problems we have arenít part of a plan, a long-term terrorist hit?
As far as the Pentagon attack and other questions, I haven't seen the numbers and I haven't done my homework on them yet. For example, one critic of the government story said that the Arabic spoken by one of the terrorists wasn't authentic. I'd like to examine that myself with my linguists, instead of buying someone else's view. I'm just not as familiar with enough of the details outside of what happened in New York.
Maybe Bush was a successful plot to bring America to its knees: put a dummy in charge! Now let me ask you a question: does Intelligent Design exist in the White House?

HOLLER!: Ha-Ha! Did you ever think of running for president?

FUNKESHOE: Naw, good generals donít make good presidents Ďcause presidents got to know what everybody thinks before a move is made, and presidents donít make good generals, Ďcause politicians donít want to go near no battlefielí, Ďcept to make themselves look presidential.
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